Sibling Rivalry

Clementine

My precious Vivian Pearl is my first born, but she is not my first child. The title of oldest child in our household belongs to a precious domestic tortoiseshell cat named Clementine. Clementine has been a part of my family since college and was the best couch companion during my pregnancy. She is the most loving cat and believes that people need snuggles more than they need air.

As we prepared for the baby Clementine was very curious about all the changes that were going on in her apartment, but was excited to see a bunch of new boxes show up for her to play in. I often wondered how Clementine would react to having a little brother or sister (we waited to find out the sex of our baby) around. I debated on whether she would try to snuggle up to the baby all the time or if she would avoid the crying, pooping baby.

enjoying time on the couch

The day we brought our daughter Vivian home, Clementine did not even notice the car seat or the baby. Instead she ran to me and gave me a stern lecture about how upset she was that we had left her alone for two days. Then Vivian woke up and made a quiet whimper. Clementine suddenly forgot about everything else and was determined to sniff every inch of the new baby. Clementine heard the word 'no' more in the first 10 minutes of the baby being home than she had her entire life. Despite having limits instilled on her that had never been there before, Clementine has shown nothing but love to her little sister and is always trying snuggle right up to her sister. This went on for about 6 months and then I started noticing subtle changes.

Clementine still continues to make sure she is laying next to her sister, but now she also makes sure to squeeze in between her sister and her mother. The second I sit Vivian down, Clementine is jumping on my lap. At night, Clementine settles on my neck snuggling and kissing me. Our little Vivian is now at the age where she is very aware of her kitty sister Clementine, which has lead to hair and tail pulling. Vivian has also started using Clementine to hoist herself up to her knees. Clementine ofter voices is dissatisfaction at being tugged on by her sister, but still refuses to budge from her position next to her sister. Vivian has also taken quite an interest in Clementine's toys, which has resulted in Clementine pushing them together into a pile and laying on them.

Vivian tugging on Clementine

I have now started to suspect that Clementine insists on being next to her sister because that is where the focus of our attention has been since we brought our little princess home. I am afraid that my Clementine is hungry for some special attention from her parents and is trying to let us know this in her own quiet way. So like a new mom I hit the books and the internet to see what I can do to help alleviate this minor case of sibling rivalry.

Trusty Dr. Spock had many great insights and helpful solutions to my situation.
1. "Everybody in the family gets what they need - and sometimes we all need different things."
2. Avoid comparisons and typecasting
3. Do not be quick to take sides, deciding who is wrong or who is right it encourages the children to fight again soon.
4. If one child acts out and attacks the other, do not react with shock or shame - this will make the jealous child more jealous and afraid that you don't love them anymore.
5. If you force your child to share her toys, chances are her resentment will grow.

While Dr. Spock has many more helpful things to say these 5 tips have helped me identify errors I have been making. When Vivian is tugging and pulling on Clementine, it is Clementine that I yell at to move out of the way. When Clementine is upset that Vivian is playing with her toys, I tell Clementine that she needs to share. The one time that Clementine did act out and swat at her sister, it was Clementine that was scolded. I have even found myself telling Clementine that she needed to be nice like her sister. Lastly, I need to make sure that Clementine is getting what she needs. Sadly, there have been crazy mornings when I have forgotten to feed Clementine or have delayed giving her fresh water because I was busy with the baby.

I hope that I can take Dr. Spock's advise and turn it into helpful tools for developing a positive relationship between my two babies and to prepare for the day with we bring a third baby into the mix.